how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
