despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
