If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
My hand turned me down
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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