I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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