My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
She told me I should be a condom model.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
