Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
What changed your mind?
Being sober
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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