Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
