At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
