I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
