I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
