shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
