Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
