Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
