I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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