Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Randomize
