I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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