I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
