There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
The air taste purple.
Randomize
