You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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