I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
