so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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