whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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