she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I didn't notice because vodka
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
