I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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