My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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