im having a threesome with these popsicles
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Pants are for mortals
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
