you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
