I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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