The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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