I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Randomize
