Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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