This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
