Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
