Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
