you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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