just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
