I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
