Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Randomize
