I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Im part way to drunk.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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