well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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