On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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