Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Randomize
