I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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