I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
