There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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