I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
