girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
