I checked into jail on foursquare
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize