i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize