My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
