miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
