I bet he comes in French.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
