how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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