When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
