He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
