I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
