I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
