You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Randomize
