Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
