At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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