Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
