we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
how do flat chested girls get laid?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Randomize
