I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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